You made me eat Funyuns

You know who you are. You with your whinny voice and your absolutely pointless word vomit you spew around my store. Why do you ask have you pissed me off to the point that I HAD to eat funyuns? Well, let me tell you.

“You should have clipboards. You don’t have clipboards. You know, you should sell clipboards. You know? They would sell. How come you don’t sell clipboards?”

“…..we do sell clipboards….”

“Oh, they’re new? Aren’t they new? You never had them before? Why did you just get them?”

“…..always had them….”

“Oh, so they are new? That’s good. It’s good you got them in because you didn’t have them before”

Get out of my store.

Oh, and just for shits and giggles – what about this wonderful customer.

“Do you have this book because I couldn’t find it anywhere online or in any bookstore I went to and then I was like, oh, I wonder if my school’s bookstore would have it but I didn’t know if that was the type of stuff you would have – you know, books for my class. Do you have those?”

I so wish I was kidding.

….and then

So – being sick sucks ass. I have been told that I get sick a lot – I don’t really know what this means. What is a lot? 3 times a year? 4? Whatever – however many times it is – it still sucks. You know what’s weird for me about being sick? I feel guilty. Like I can sit on my ass for hours and feel…a little bad maybe – because I know there is so much shit I should be doing. But for some reason when I’m sick and I need to be sitting on my ass – I feel so guilty about it. It doesn’t help that the house is a mess (not really) or that I don’t really feel sick (even though I am) or that the freaken auditors are at work today. Like WTF – our store hasn’t had an audit in like 10 years. Ok, ok – I guess we were about due but seriously – did it have to be today? I’m totally stressing about it. I’m sure all will be fine but I keep thinking of all the things that could go wrong…and the fact that I can’t actually think of anything makes me worry even more – like the thing that will go wrong isn’t even on my radar. You know, like I forgot to feed the book troll under the floor (not that we have a book troll) but you get what I mean…right? Ok – so you don’t and I’m crazy…and you know what…drugs are good…I mean, it’s just some Tylonol Cold and Sinus something or other but still – woo hoo! Ok – what was I talking about? Trolls. I like trolls. Wait no, not trolls….um…

What the hell am I doing?

I’m sick.

Leave me alone I’m going back to bed.

Sorry I have offended thee, oh god of the tv

So, you know that show Ghost Hunters on SciFi?  You know how it’s totally not scary or shocking in the least bit? Ok – well, I’m just about terrified of it. I mean, I love it. I watch it any Wednesday night I can actually remember it’s on – BUT! only when someone else is in the room with me, and the remote is next to me at all times in case there is a need for a quick channel change (like that time when you could totally see a figure hanging over the lighthouse railing looking down the stairwell at the camera – Or that other one where the bed comforter so moved on it’s own while someone was sleeping in it! – OR that time when they caught creepy organ music playing in that wild west museum – OR! —-have to stop now, why am I thinking these things right now – ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

ok…better…

What was my point?

Oh yeah – ok – so you know how you now know that I’m a total nut job that is scared of crazy non scary things? Well! I was watching Ghost Hunters tonight and it’s on for a couple of hours starting at 8 – but Mike is heading out to work at 9 so I’m only going to watch 1 episode. All goes well, and then 9 o’clock comes. Mike has the remote and I tell him he has to change it because I can’t watch this show on my own. He says – what channel do you want? So, I’m thinking – least scariest channel out there? How about the Food Network? How can food scare me? So! The channel changes – and what do I see – it’s Alten Brown – ok, not scary. But wait that doesn’t look like the set of his show – oh, ok, he’s on a boat – oh, he’s cooking squid – oh! there is a GIANT SQUID OUT THE WINDOW STARING AT US GETTING READY TO EAT OUR SOULS!

In case you haven’t figured it out – me? Also terrified of giant squid.

Oh, and just because I must have pissed off some TV god at some point- as I’m screaming and Mike is changing the channel randomly – he stops on something random and what is it? The tail end of some commercial in which a cartoon fish EATS a person.

Not my night.

Breakfast Buddie

So today I didn’t have to open the store so before work I went to Panera for a yummy breakfast sandwich (sans cheese of course). While I don’t actively listen in on other people’s conversations, sometimes it is impossible not to overhear other people’s words. There is an older man next to me talking with another guy and I’m not really paying attention (to anything in general because even if I’m not opening the store it is still 8 in the morning and I haven’t had my coffee yet). Ok – so I’m not paying attention until I hear the words “three month sailing trip” and “he left without me”. My first though is – who the hell can afford to go on a three month anything, let alone a sailing trip – do real people actually do things things like that? Well, apparently this guy does – or would have if his friend of 50 years hadn’t left without him – because of the weather.

Ok – order food – pay for food – GET COFFEE! – wait for food – sit down with food in corner of almost empty room – start to eat food – and then…

ditchedsailingtrip guy comes over and sits right next to me – and says “I bet you thought you would be alone for breakfast” – um…what? Are you joining me? Do I know you? Because if not – I still am alone for breakfast. I smile and he says “You have to work today?” – “Yes” – “To bad…I’m retired!” –woohoo, you wanna cookie?

A few seconds later “What are you reading?” – ok, I guess we are now having a conversation even though I have only uttered one word to you. I show him my book. A very good book I think and his disappointed reply is “oh, a novel” . Oh, a novel? I almost asked him what the hell he thought I should be reading. What was he reading you ask? Business Week magazine – and he’s making little notes in the margins. I realize I’m still staring at him in shock of his comment so I utter “um…sorry” and I get “Ok, don’t worry, I’ll stop bothering you now”.

And as I’m eating my breakfast I can’t help but wonder what part “bad weather” had to play in his getting ditched and how much of it was ‘you’re a big fat conceded a-hole that i’ve been trying to ditch for the last 50 years’

I know, I know – not exactly the nicest things to be thinking about a total stranger BUT my coffee was getting cold talking to him and let’s be honest – the world should just be happy with the fact that I remember to put on shoes before walking out the door – and that I can read!

It’s a start

So, I’ve been meaning to start a blog for a while now. I tried it before on myspace but just couldn’t get the feel for it there…I thought I would give this a try. I don’t really know how to ‘blog’. Is there a wrong way? I mean – it’s whatever I want it to be – whatever is in my head at the movement so I guess it can’t really be wrong – right? I guess my big worry is that even though I really want to write about my thoughts…what if I don’t really have any worth while? What if, as I write I find out things about myself – like that I’m boring, dull…or maybe I’m really mean and judgemental - or maybe I’m wonderfully witty and cleaver?  Yeah – let’s go with that last one

SO! Like I said, I’ve been meaning to do this for a while and today as I was telling my coworker about one of many bizarro dreams I had she said ‘do you have a blog where you can write all of this down?’. And I said ‘no, but I want to’. What better way to start then with a dream sequence…

As a preface let me begin my saying a little bit about the nature of my dreams. I dream every night and I remember my dreams every morning – sometimes only for a few moments as I am waking up but usually they stay with me. More importantly so (to me at least) is the feeling of my dreams. I almost always know I’m dreaming but what is always real to me is how whatever it is that is happening in my dream is making me feel. These feelings are hard to explain but most of the time they too stay with me. Sometimes I’m happy about this – sometimes not so much.

With that said…

<wobbly screen fade>

it starts at my dad’s house. my family is there along with the cast of Lost. for this dream it seems that i will be playing the role of kate. we are filming the ‘kitchen’ scene. this particular scene consists of me (aka kate) making out with jack. all is going well until queen latifah walks in. we all go outside and queen latifah walks away. even though we are at my dad’s house – and now outside on my dad’s block – we are still ‘lost’ – even though it’s fake and we are actors – we are still lost somewhere and to make the most of it we are filming it all for the world to see. so now i’m outside and i see john locke down the block with a bunch of kids. they are digging holes next to the trees planted in the sidewalk. i start to help them and locke tells me what to look for and what to dig up. as we move down the street i see sawyer standing at the corner looking out over this concrete wall i didn’t notice before. on the other side of the wall is a cliff and the ocean – now i get it – we must be lost on a small island which is the exact replica of my dad’s neighborhood – of course! so, i go up to sawyer and he’s upset about something so to make him feel better we start making out….and along comes queen latifah again. she’s all telling sawyer how i was just making out with jack in the kitchen and sawyer gets all mad and walks away. i’m so pissed  – i walk up to queen latifah i smack her – like full hand smack right across her face. i guess this was in the scrip we were all following and queen latifah was suppose to do the whole move her head in time with my hand thing so that i didn’t actually hit her but she forgot. so, i smack her and she gives me this death look and i scream ‘oh no! i just smacked queen latifah!’ – and then i woke up